sports

Russell Wilson Sad to Report He Still Ain’t ‘Hit’ It

“I said ‘I do’ and she still said ‘I don’t’. I’m a die of blue balls.” – Russell

Russell Wilson sad to report he still hasn’t had sex with Ciara even after saying ‘I do’ over the weekend.

Russell Wilson was extremely disappointed to find out Ciara still hasn’t gave up the ‘Goodies’ even after putting a ring on it and officially marrying her over the weekend.

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“She won’t even let me put the tip in”

Russell said he will give Ciara three days to come to her senses, because all the masturbating is f*cking up his throwing hand.

Derrick Rose Endorses Trump After He Promises to Fix His Knee If Elected

“Its not only another chance at playing the game I love on a top level, but also another chance at being able to wake up in the morning without seeing a meme about my knee. Don’t get me wrong …they’re funny, but enough is enough”

Said Rose to an ESPN reporter.

Donald Trump promised basketball player Derrick Rose that he would pay for a foreign knee surgery that would cost an estimated $500,000 dollars and gained one of his first prominent African American backers. The surgery can only be performed in Bangkok, and Trump has assured Derrick he will pay for the surgery and also fly him out on one of his private jets.

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Trump says he tried to tell all his loyal supporters that the blacks love him, and Derrick is just a weak step in the right direction.

Jon Jones Files a Restraining Order Against Cocaine

“Telling yall I’m not the one addicted. That white girl can’t get enough of me.”

Said Jon Jones coming out of New York City court house.

Jon Jones says he filed a restraining order against cocaine after testing positive for a banned substance for the 15th time.

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“After testing positive cocaine so many times. Its obvious someone has a problem ….and its cocaine” – Jon Jones

Jon Jones can be seen crying after testing positive and being removed from UFC 220, but all I can say is you wasn’t crying when you was snorting coke and smashing white b*tches.

Man Shoots Up 4th of July Party Because Everyone Had on Same Outfit as Him

“My Footlocker connect assured me not one other n*gga in Chicago had this flag jersey”

Said Raymond about shooting up the party.

Raymond Sanchez shot up a Chicago 4th of July party, because upon his arrival he realized every black man in attendance had on the same outfit as him.

“How many air forces and camo shorts can one party have? Ain’t none of us gonna get any p*ssy” – Raymond

Raymond will be charged with pre meditated first degree murder, because police say it isn’t no way he didn’t know every n*gga was gonna wear that outfit. Because they do every year.

D. Rose Files Anti-Bullying Lawsuit Against Bulls Ceo for Sharing Twitter Meme

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“First the trade. Now this. There’s only so much a n*gga can take” – Rose

Derrick Rose filed an anti bullying lawsuit against Chicago Bulls ceo for sharing a meme of the NBA star falling while boarding a plane to New York on Twitter.

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“I expect and understand this sh*t from n*ggas, but I just expect a level of professionalism when dealing with white folks.” – D. Rose

Derrick Rose says he wants a public apology and 24 hour security for him anytime he come back to Chicago to visit his family in the hood.

Dr. Phil Noticed a Herpes Wart on Draymond’s Dick Pic on Snapchat, NBA Investigating

“I’m a fan of Draymond’s, but I’m a bigger fan of wearing condoms” – Dr. Phil

Tv Doctor Dr. Phil noticed an herpes wart on basketball player Draymond Green after the baller accidentally posted a picture of his penis to Snapchat, and the NBA is now investigating.

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“I know his snap chat was an accident, but going raw in the groupie that gave him herpes, was not” – Dr. Phile

The NBA has temporarily removed Draymond from basketball camp, because all the other NBA ballers are starting to call him yucky.

Mike Tyson Starts GoFundMe to Pay Bail After He Punches Trump in the Mouth

“He’s a f*cking racist and every racist is just one punch in the mouth away from loving black people. Help me do it.” – Tyson

Said Mike Tyson.

Mike Tyson says he wants to punch Trump in the mouth just off the strength of him being a racist “motherf*cker” (Mike’s words) and he’s started a GoFundMe to help pay his bail afterwards.

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“I just wanna punch him right in his fucking white face and not go to jail” – Mike

Mike said he would’ve challenged Donald to a celebrity deathmatch, but honestly doesn’t want to see him die.

Nba Files for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy

“We’ve spent so much on the draft, trades and Lebron’s yearly supply of headbands we can’t afford to fund the 2016-2017 year”

The NBA filed Chapter 11 Bankruptcy after they were informed they have exceeded the budget by more than $20 million before entering the 2016-2017 title year.

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“If Jordan can give us one day of the earnings he gets from his sneakers we can possibly get back on track. Ain’t no Michael Jordan without the NBA. Remember that.”

The Nba is going to push the start of the season up three months to possibly raise more with off season activities, and getting refunds on Lebron’s over 10,000 Nike branded headbands.

Lebron James Mom Offers Delonte West Spare Room at Cleveland Mansion

“He already knows the address. I just need the media to get the word out to him. No friend of James should be homeless” – Lebron’s Mother

Lebron James mother reached out to media outlets to let Delonte West who was reported homeless after fans seen him begging for money on the streets.

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“I would’ve offered clothes too, but he’s not as big as my son, James. At least in the arms and the legs area, but he’s big where it counts”

Lebron’s mother says the offer is open to Delonte as long as he doesn’t bother Lebron’s headband collection during his stay.

Shaq Tweets a Throwback Thursday Picture of Kobe’s Rape Case

“#NbaHistory. #NeverForget.” – Shaq

Tweeted Shaq to his millions of followers with the picture of Kobe Bryant featured on the front of Sports Illustrated after being accused of rape.

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Retired NBA baller Shaquille O’Neal tweeted a picture of Kobe’s rape assault case for Throwback Thursday on Twitter just for shits and giggles.

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“Kobe can’t pass a ball or a condom to himself” – Shaq

Shaq says he meant no harm and has always joked with Kobe about the incident, because he’s 7’1″ and there’s really not much Kobe could do about it.