sports

Hillary Promises Lebron James a New Hairline If She Becomes President

“There’s two things women know about. Hair, and shopping. So I chose to trust her word.” – Lebron

Lebron says his choice to endorse Hillary Clinton stemmed from the fact that she had no problem lying to his face by telling him she could get him a new hairline if elected first female President of the United States.

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“Lebron is an amazing basketball player. An Amazing Father, but his hairline is where the amazing ends.” – Hillary

Lebron believes in Hillary like he believed in all the hair regrow companies that have failed after taken his money over the years.

Cop Makes Lebron Remove His Hat and Show Hairline to Prove His Identity

“Don’t feel comfortable taking your hat off? That’s exactly what a Lebron imposter would say!”

Said one Cleveland police officer according to Lebron during a routine traffic stop.

A Cleveland police officer didn’t believe he had pulled over Lebron James and wanted him to prove it by removing his hat, and showing him his hairline.

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Teammates Catch Odell Beckham Jr. Masturbating to Antonio Brown’s Twerk Video

“After seeing him beating his meat to a dude twerking were wondering if he’s really a ‘wide receiver’?!?” – Teammate

Said one Giants baller who wanted to remain anonymous.

New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. was caught masturbating in the locker room by his teammates before practice Thursday morning.

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“You could tell he was really into it, because he wasn’t even using lotion. Straight hand to meat action.” – Giants player

Teammates say they’re worried he’ll never catch a ball again the way he was jacking his weenie with good hand.

Derrick Rose Endorses Trump After He Promises to Fix His Knee If Elected

“Its not only another chance at playing the game I love on a top level, but also another chance at being able to wake up in the morning without seeing a meme about my knee. Don’t get me wrong …they’re funny, but enough is enough”

Said Rose to an ESPN reporter.

Donald Trump promised basketball player Derrick Rose that he would pay for a foreign knee surgery that would cost an estimated $500,000 dollars and gained one of his first prominent African American backers. The surgery can only be performed in Bangkok, and Trump has assured Derrick he will pay for the surgery and also fly him out on one of his private jets.

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Trump says he tried to tell all his loyal supporters that the blacks love him, and Derrick is just a weak step in the right direction.

Phelps Says He Owes All His Success to Smoking Insane Amounts of Marijuana

“You can’t spell 25 time Olympic Medalist without marijuana”

Michael Phelps said during an interview after winning a gold medal in 200m swim that he owes it all to smoking insane amounts of weed.

Michael Phelps who has been seen enjoying marijuana once or twice during his Olympic career says he owes all his success to weed.

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“Some athletes drink Gatorade. This athlete smokes a shit ton of weed” – Phelps

Michael says once he’s done swimming for a living he plans to invest all his earnings into a weed dispensary that only he can use.