IG Model Starts GoFundMe for Flight Back to America After Dubai Prince Bought One Way Ticket to Shit on Her

“He shit on me thenĀ told me good luck”

Said Sarah McLaughlin about her experience after being courted by a Dubai Prince on Instagram.

“He told me it was a round trip, and since it was my first time on a plane I didn’t know any better” said Sarah after realizing she needed to come up with $6,000 dollars for the cheapest flight back to America.

“I thought he loved me, but really he just loves shitting on Instagram bitches” – Sarah

The Prince couldn’t be reached, but Sarah says that’s the last time she’s getting shitted on in more ways than one.

Man Kills Bestfriend for Referring Him to Barber that ‘Fucked Up’ his Hairline

“Nigga never played bout his hair” – Mama

Said Lakwon after being arrested for first degree murder for shooting his best friend DeMarcus.

Lakwon shot his bestfriend DeMarcus after he visited a new barber referred to by him, and received what he described as “the worse haircut of my life” stating that barber, Rodney Billins, pushed his hairline back an astounding 2 inches. “It was ridiculous” Said Lakwon.

Lakwon shot DeMarcus at point blank range later that night after a group of girls laughed at his haircut at a party, and DeMarcus joined in on the laughter, but not for long.

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“No way that was the barber Demarcus actually went to, because his line-ups be crispy.” – Lawkon

DeMarcus’s funeral will be held at the real barbershop he goes to, because that’s what he would’ve wanted according to his actual barber. Friends of LaKwon say his shit been fucked up.

Mayor of Philadelphia Crowns Drake the King of Philly, Receives Key to City

Sure they would’ve chose Meek, but he can’t come out the house right now” – Drake

One and a half days after calling Meek Mill a “P*ssy” in his own city Drake received the keys to the city of Philadelphia for making the city an estimated $800,000 dollars in one day during his concert.
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“I’ve pretty much taken everything from Meek except Nicki. Coming soon.” – Drake

Drake says he will donate some of his proceeds to Philly so some of them dirty ass goons can get their beards cut.

R. Kelly: “I’m Moving to Dubai Where Pissing on Women Isn’t Frowned Upon”

“They just get me” – R. Kelly

Said R. Kelly to a packed crowd on the last leg of his tour R. Kelly says he’s continuing his career in Dubai where they understand that pissing and defecating on these hoes is just another way of showing love and affection.

Dubai Prince’s and billionaires have flown out plenty of IG models to be used as human toilets just to be sent back to America soak and wet. R. Kelly will be doing the same.

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“Sometimes I’m in the middle of making sweet love to a woman and a nigga ain’t tryna stop for a bathroom break. So I just let it fly. I drink a lot of water. I shouldn’t be judged for that.” – R. Kelly

R. Kelly says any of his fans that want to be the first to receive a Golden Shower in Dubai they must provide proof of being at least 17, but no older than 21.

Trump on Hillary: “You Cannot Trust a Woman Who Doesn’t Suck D*ck”

“First time I agreed with Trump” – Black Man

Said Donald Trump during a final campaign rally Monday night.

Trump told thousands of his supporters that “You simply cannot trust a woman who doesn’t suck d*ck” and that anybody who would vote for that type of woman does not care about one single man in the United States of America.

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“Bill cheated on her, because she doesn’t suck. And America will be cheating themselves if they vote for her, because she doesn’t suck.” – Trump

Trump says his wife Melania sucks his invisible peen all the time and twice when pvrnhub.com is taking too long to buffer.

Crip Gang Member Stabs Mcdonald’s Cook for Handing Him Red Fry Cup

“Nigga shoulda colored that shit”

Said Duane Rocks after being apprehended for stabbing a McDonald’s employee for handing him a red fry cup.

Duane stabbed a McDonald’s fry cook after he asked for a medium fry and fry cook, Luis Meguirgiio, proceeded to hand him a fry in the traditional red fry cups from McDonald’s.

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“Even stevie Wonder would look twice, before handing me a red cup” – Duane

Duane was charged with third degree murder and says even a color blind man would get it for handing him a red cup.

C.O. Says Inmates Are Using Kodak Black’s Hair to Clean Toilets

“Little nigga thought he was tough until he was upside down in pile of throw up”

Said a Corrections Officer to a judge during rapper Kodak Blacks parole hearing.

Kodak Black is apparently the prison systems Mr. Clean after a Corrections Officer reveals they have been using him to mop up their jail cells and clean toilets.

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“He gonna have to cut that shit off once he out, because as of now his hair smells like 3 different types of ass” – Correction Officer

Kodak insist he wasn’t forced to become a human mop and that he in fact did it to insist his cellmate with keeping their cell clean. “Lil scrubby brush head ass nigga”

26 Yr Old Midget Arrested for Beating Up 9 Yr Old for Last Size 4 Jordan at Mall

“Size 4 adults hard to come by”

Said Roger who insisted he could’ve robbed women for their shoes, but that would make him feel like a “b*tch ass n*gga”.

Roger Cadaveras was arrested after several reports of a ‘little man’ terrorizing kids during Jordan releases at an Atlanta mall every Saturday.

“By robbing them I made them little niggas men at an early age. Not like their fathers were in their life or they wouldn’t have been out that late by themselves.”

Police did say that he is in fact one fly ass midget despite beating up children for a pair of shoes.

Man Shoots Chipotle Employee for Asking Him “Do You Know Guac is Extra?”

“Bitch nigga tryna call me broke”

Said Travis Rhineston after opening fire on a Texas Chipotle employee for asking him doe he know ‘Guac’ is extra.

Travis insist that the Chipotle employee was calling him broke after telling him that it would be an extra $1.25 to have Guacomole added to his steak bowl.
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“Just got my unemployment and disability check so I’m extra guaped up right now so no way she should be calling me broke” – Travis

Travis will be charged with attempted murder and says if he had to do it all over again he’d ask for double guacamole, because two dollars and fifty cents ain’t nothing to a boss.

Retired Cop Selling R.I.P. Shirts of All Blacks He Murdered During Career

“This is what they create when they kill each other, right?”

Said Officer Pekinsky about his R.I.P. shirts he created after retiring from the Alabama police department.

Officer Pekinsky says he doesn’t regret pulling the trigger on a black man or woman not one time during his 15 years as a police officer and to commemorate it he’s creating R.I.P. shirts of all the ones killed during his illustrious career.

“I mean its not like anyone is missing them. They were all good for nothing lazy, crack dealers and baby mama. No future really.” – Pekinsky

Pekinksy says he’s selling the shirts for $15.99 through a partnership with Donald Trump’s website.